A lot of Christian advice about pornography addicts is not helpful—meaning, it doesn’t contribute to real progress in repentance, healing, restoration and recovery. Most of all, it fails to address the issues that underlie porn use. Often, Christian advice either has its head in the clouds of theology and biblical references, or is a list of superficial how-tos, and gets knocked beneath the sand of real life—of failure, and the struggle to hope. How is the gospel relevant to failing and trying again? And failing and trying again? And failing and trying again?
We too often allow unattainable ideals to dictate what we allow ourselves to say—the issues we allow ourselves to address with the congregation, with the struggler, with the mirror. Are we allowed to talk about what Christ can do (and what we can do) right after pornographic indulgence? Or do we look to the clouds and hope for the best? “Why think about how God meets you in the midst of failure? You shouldn’t even be in an ‘after pornography’ situation.” But often many are and because God can and does act in the moment of regret.
It is often in the moment after the closed door, the darkness, the screen-light, the hidden act—after pornography indulgence—that Satan spins his most eloquent web: menacing patterns of thinking; bargaining with a disapproving and distant God; twisting us in on ourselves in self-hatred. It is in the moment after pornography indulgence that Satan does his finest work. It is in this moment that we need God to do his finest saving. Here are some specific ways to search for grace the moment after the dark act of pornography indulgence:
1. Know your Enemy
As soon as you indulge, you either plunge into self-hatred, or into self-avoidance. Satan is satisfied either way. Both paths believe his accusations (Matthew 16:23). Don’t forget: After you indulge, you are still mid-battle with a tenacious, evil person bent on stealing your life, and he has not yet gotten it.
2. Fight self-hatred
There is no question: Pornography is the twisted manipulation of innocence for the raw crave of erotic appetite. To have a grieved conscience is a good thing. But when Judas realized “I have sinned by betraying innocent blood,” it is not surprising that “he departed, and he went and hanged himself” (Matt 27.4–5). It’s a common feeling: to want to punish ourselves for betraying the innocent. In twisting innocence, we twist ourselves. It is not a surprise that suicide rates are high among pornography users. “I’m not as good as Christian preachers and bloggers want me to be.” To warp human dignity, in the end, only warps the user more—psychologically deforming to self-hating; contorting into self-disgust. We abhor, criticize, despise and detest ourselves. Wallowing in self-deprecation and feeling like paying penance to God for sin is a sad and ironclad torture. It is false, and it is a wicked oppression. But grace does have a word on this.
It is no wonder David uses such deeply physical metaphors when he pleads with God for grace over sexual sin: “blot out my transgressions,” “wash me,” “cleanse me,” “in sin did my mother conceive me,” “purge me,” “wash me” (again), “blot out my iniquities,” “create in me a clean heart” (Psalm 51:1, Psalm 51.2, Psalm 51.5, Psalm 51.7, Psalm 51.9, Psalm 51.10). It’s a simple, roaring plea: “It’s in me. Get it OUT!” “Stop me.” “I hate it.” “I hate me.” “Bleach me.” God gives us a liturgy of sorrow and hope stretched out in the same howl. Fight, with David. Scream that, with David. Replace the groan of human self-hatred with an unbroken war cry of divine love.
If you are tempted to wallow, don’t let your (good) intuitive hatred of sin lead you to hate yourself. Be patient with yourself, because God is patient. He is fighting for your life (Genesis 32:24).
3. Fight the haze
Right after indulgence, a haze kicks in. Jesus knows. “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God” (Matthew 5:8). Purity is a feast on luminescent virtue. What is impurity? It is feasting that becomes self-isolated, avoiding of God and man and self, numbed, dazed, deadened, desensitized. Sexual impurity induces a spiritual cataract. Again, the feeling is common—browser history cleared, slogging through the rest of the day, lumbering from task to task, from person to person—meaningless, personless, passionless. This experience is integrated into the fabric of pornography indulgence.
There’s usually nothing to be done, if we’re honest, except ride the wave—the muddle, the daze. Keep praying (Ephesians 6:18). Really? Will you hope in him? Prayer is an act of hope. The prayer is the lamenter’s portion of the Lord’s work. Keep taking a step forward. Keep taking a breath. Without repeated indulgence, the haze will eventually wear off.
4. Guard others
Pornography is a training session in the skill of using others for personal pleasure. Just be aware that you are now inclined to use people in close relationship the same way you use those in pornography—with selfish motive, with neglectful attitude, unrepentantly. Pornography puts relational blinders on us—it deeply impedes our ability to love others well. So, the best course of action is to walk as if we have physical blinders on: Tread slowly, and assume that we are currently very vulnerable and prone to treat those around us as subhuman. After indulgence, it is vital to keep in mind that those not on the screen deserve the respect and dignity that we just failed to show those on the screen.
Pornography soothes its users into a drama, a character, a story with a script and lines and actions: one person for pleasing, one person for being pleased; one person making sacrifices, another receiving sacrifices; one subhuman, one god. It takes self-control to remember that pornography is a false story—to fight the false drama which pornography gives to us, we must actively think less of ourselves and more of others: to remember human dignity, the love of Christ for those around us, our not-God-ness. The Spirit works in us to keep the flesh from ruling us (Galatians 5:17)—the Keeper protects others from the consequences of our thinking that we are God.
5. Confess to a friend
Confess sin to a friend who will not excuse you, but equally as important, who will not crush you. Sometimes, when looking for help to get up after pornography indulgence (Proverbs 24:16). Consider attending a regular Samson Society meeting in your area.
6. Use your clarity for good
Yes, there might be a haze after indulgence. But there can also be a flood of clarity—the hindsight of regret. “When Judas … saw that Jesus was condemned, he changed his mind” (Matthew 27:3). Sometimes, we desire evil anyway. And in that case, we serve as an example to ourselves.
As Piper might say, “Don’t waste your regret.” Use it for God’s glory and your joy. Set up boundaries. Use the clarity that will surely fade before the next moment of temptation to build structures that will prevent this again. Go back and forth all you’d like on what structures are dumb and ineffective, and which are sustainable preventative measures—the basic truth is this: If you don’t have any formal structures set up to prevent you from looking at pornography in the future, it will absolutely, with 100 percent certainty, happen again. If you have no structures, you have no place to be picky—choose something. Here are some actions to choose from:
- Get Covenant Eyes or X3Watch for all your devices.
- Don’t let a single unaccountable browser app remain on your iPhone.
- Delete in-browser apps that allow backdoor access to unaccountable Internet use.
- Get a friend to lock the app download function on your phone so that your native browser is not an option, and you can’t download Google Chrome (the Covenant Eyes/X3 app will function as the browser).
- Delete pictures you have saved.
- Tell a friend about the backdoors and cheat-codes you have in your back pocket. If you don’t plan at all, you’re planning to fail. Nowhere is this truer than in the practical fight against pornography indulgence.
7. Know your God
Remember this: God loves you so, so much. He is unsettled by us (Genesis 6:6). More than anything: “God, help us to cast all our anxieties on you, because you care for us” (1 Peter 5:6–7).
He does not abandon the sinner. He does not depart from the indulger. Wait in his love. “Build yourselves up … in the Holy Spirit”: “Keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ that leads to eternal life” (Jude 1.20–21). Know the difference between the God-mask Satan would wear to deceive you: disgusted, distant, unavailable, disinterested, and remember the face of your real God: loving, patient, working, unsurprised, unrelenting, unwavering in his grasp on you. He won’t let you go.